Emotions Are Flying

I had a rough night last night and it seems to have continued into today. I’m not sure exactly why. Well, I know why, but I’m not certain why yesterday and today as opposed to any other day on this emotional roller coaster we have been on for nearly 10 weeks. I couldn’t seem to keep control of my emotions last night and just had a breakdown. Todd thought it was something he said because a conversation we were having is what triggered it, but in reality it has absolutely nothing to do with him. I have been overcome with fear, and while I am so thankful we have made it this far, I am afraid that we are pushing Wyatt too far and am fearful we may suddenly lose him. The doctor has assured me that “generally” there will be plenty of signs before a fetal demise and as soon as we see any one of these signs we will bail on this pregnancy. While I completely trust the doctor, there are no guarantees and there is still a risk that we could lose him before we deliver. The further we get in gestation the more fearful I get and the harder it is for me to go even a day without ultrasound scans or some kind of medical intervention. I had IV fluids on Saturday, things looked good and then by Monday afternoon the blood flow was consistently reversed. I’m at the hospital as I type this, receiving fluids again, but the doctor said he would only scan if I felt like I needed or wanted him to. Otherwise I won’t see him again until Thursday afternoon. As Todd mentioned in his post yesterday, it has become evident that our interventions are no longer providing a benefit for as long as they did previously. With that being the case, I just don’t feel comfortable going without scans from Monday to Thursday, with or without fluids. I feel there will come a day when the fluids don’t correct the reverse blood flow and what if that day is today. I don’t know if we have stressed how serious the reverse flow is, but all the literature out there suggests that morbidity and mortality rates are extremely high and this is the time you must deliver. Had the IV fluids not corrected the reverse flow (albeit temporarily) all this time, we would have delivered weeks ago.

So anyway, I came in to the hospital this morning and one of the many wonderful nurses here was asking me questions about the babies, the pregnancy, how I was doing, etc. and I just lost it. She decided at that point that it was best if we have the doctor come up to do scans. So, now it’s almost 5:30 pm and I am still waiting for the doctor. But really what else do I have to do? This is my job now.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 NIV