Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Emotions Are Flying

I had a rough night last night and it seems to have continued into today. I’m not sure exactly why. Well, I know why, but I’m not certain why yesterday and today as opposed to any other day on this emotional roller coaster we have been on for nearly 10 weeks. I couldn’t seem to keep control of my emotions last night and just had a breakdown. Todd thought it was something he said because a conversation we were having is what triggered it, but in reality it has absolutely nothing to do with him. I have been overcome with fear, and while I am so thankful we have made it this far, I am afraid that we are pushing Wyatt too far and am fearful we may suddenly lose him. The doctor has assured me that “generally” there will be plenty of signs before a fetal demise and as soon as we see any one of these signs we will bail on this pregnancy. While I completely trust the doctor, there are no guarantees and there is still a risk that we could lose him before we deliver. The further we get in gestation the more fearful I get and the harder it is for me to go even a day without ultrasound scans or some kind of medical intervention. I had IV fluids on Saturday, things looked good and then by Monday afternoon the blood flow was consistently reversed. I’m at the hospital as I type this, receiving fluids again, but the doctor said he would only scan if I felt like I needed or wanted him to. Otherwise I won’t see him again until Thursday afternoon. As Todd mentioned in his post yesterday, it has become evident that our interventions are no longer providing a benefit for as long as they did previously. With that being the case, I just don’t feel comfortable going without scans from Monday to Thursday, with or without fluids. I feel there will come a day when the fluids don’t correct the reverse blood flow and what if that day is today. I don’t know if we have stressed how serious the reverse flow is, but all the literature out there suggests that morbidity and mortality rates are extremely high and this is the time you must deliver. Had the IV fluids not corrected the reverse flow (albeit temporarily) all this time, we would have delivered weeks ago.

So anyway, I came in to the hospital this morning and one of the many wonderful nurses here was asking me questions about the babies, the pregnancy, how I was doing, etc. and I just lost it. She decided at that point that it was best if we have the doctor come up to do scans. So, now it’s almost 5:30 pm and I am still waiting for the doctor. But really what else do I have to do? This is my job now.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 NIV


Matt and Amy Snow said...

My sweet friend. I, too, am crying with you. Cling to Isaiah 41:10 with all of your strength and know that no matter what, He will uphold you. Congratulations on a job well done---I have been blessed by your faith, determination, and willingness to sacrifice for these precious little ones. What a great start out of the gate for this wonderful race!
Blessings and many prayers!

Bolline Family said...

Praying Randi & Todd. Praying especially for Wyatt to be continually in the Lord's hands and that he can hang on until the time is right. Praying for only good news and no surprises.

The Lord's blessings to you.

JenMom said...

I am definitely glad I got off the phone with you before reading this. I love you. This roller coaster is draining, I know. Your fear is part of your humanity, but I pray that you can find the strength to lay it all at the foot of Jesus. "Who of you by worrying can add a single day to his life?" (Matthew 25)God knows how this will all be worked out. Just keep abiding in Him and trusting HIm every step of the way.
"My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:15-16

Anonymous said...

Love to you all from the Young's. Will be with you in thoughts and prayers.

Aunt Boo said...

Randi and Todd,

You know all of us "Young" women love you very much and you are in our thoughts and prayers.

As Jen said, this roller coaster is draining and I am sorry it is so hard. Keep your faith and know that we love you and those precious boys.


melodie said...

Keep your faith. Your strength is absolutely an inspiration. We are praying for the boys and for you. It is okay to cry and let it out. Look to the Lord to comfort you. You all have made it this far. You can do this. I love you!

katie said...

randi, thanks for sharing your heart during this trial! we will pray that God's strong hands will hold tightly to your little boys... i'm sorry things are so scary right now!